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Down So Low

I hate myself.

No, I didn’t do anything in particular to earn that. It’s just a generalized statement. I’ve been dealing with this low self esteem issue for about two decades now, and lately it’s been harder to fake not hating myself than usual. Maybe it’s the bronchitis’ fault, I dunno. But I wanted everybody to know just how low I am. Don’t believe the happy, peppy Amber that bounces about like her life is perfect. The Amber which is so damn great at faking confidence. It’s all a lie. One so big that I even believe it sometimes. I really mostly just hate myself.

I have so many reasons to, after all. I’m not very attractive. I can’t just walk into a store and know that they have my size. Even the plus sized specialty stores sometimes don’t go big enough for me to wear their stuff. I can’t buy jeans at Walmart, for example. They’re too small on my hips. My big, fat, disgusting hips.

I’m crazy. That’s the big one. I’ve got scars on my wrists, on my leg, my thigh (those are new), all caused by me. Razor blades, knives, fingernails, scissors, gods only know what else. I can’t keep my head together for very long. I sometimes just want to curl up and cry, and lately I’ve been doing that in bed at night. I almost wonder if it’s time for another hospitalization. I don’t know any more. My brain just does not like me lately.

My future is bleak. I keep getting told that I might fail and lose my SSI for good. The worst part is, I know that’s true. If I can’t make it in the office job they’re going to get for me, I don’t really have much else I could do. If I can’t keep a job, I have no future, no hope, no life. I have to make it in Dayton. I have no choice. Do you realize how damn scary that is?

And there’s all the fun relationshippy bits running around lately. I’m dying of loneliness, and I hoped a little too much that a boyfriend would help that. I get too excited about maybe being saved from the prison I’m in here at Lakeview, and I scare the guys off. I can’t have the guys I want, and can’t want the guys that want me. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’m not a Disney princess, but my brain hasn’t realized this yet. I keep thinking my prince will save me some day, but my prince doesn’t exist. And that thought right there has killed me more than anyone will ever know.

So yeah, basically, I’m in hell right now, but I can never seem to tell people this stuff straight out. Except for my therapist, who’s sick so I can’t even talk to him about my brain exploding with suck. I have no idea who’s going to read this. I know at least a few people from Lavish, maybe a few on my Facebook friends list. And for that, I thank you guys. I’m just so sad right now. I want a hug. But I’m too sick to go anywhere, and I don’t get my car back for a week. Digital hugs?

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Sick In So Many Ways

I have been completely miserable this last week. Most of it came from being sick, cuz you just knooooow how much I love being sick, but some of it came from some crap that might’ve just been in my mind, after all.

I started texting Rob a little over a week ago, because, wanting to date him so badly, I felt the need to be close to him in some way, even if it was just a text screen. He didn’t really text me much, which I can entirely understand, having been to college myself. I know how stressful it can get with all that homework. So yeah, good, homework sucks, but at least I’d get to have dinner with him before Guild on Friday, right? Wrong! My car died, AGAIN, this time the battery’s completely dead. I scramble around trying to get ahold of Slone to see if she could give me a ride if I pay gas and noms. Thankfully, I do get there. Too bad Rob doesn’t seem very excited to see me. Now, I’m already seriously depressed at this point, having cried my eyes out earlier thinking I couldn’t move to Dayton cuz I can’t even afford to keep my car in repair. He just… he didn’t seem like he was happy to see me. Not the way I was happy to see him, at least. I mean, when I have a crush on somebody, I go out of my way to touch them, or talk to them, or be around them. He did none of this. He treated me the exact same way he’d treated me the Friday before he said he wanted to date me. Confusion central, right?

Well, as if that didn’t screw my head up enough, when I texted him to talk on Saturday, at one point he stopped responding to my texts at all. Slone said he was obviously playing me, and I got scared, even more depressed, and just plain fuck all. So Sunday, I sent him a text saying I was in a bad place too, and that he should just forget about wanting to date me. Instead of him getting upset about that, he just agreed with me. I haven’t talked to him since.

Now, was this just another case of depression-colored glasses skewing my perception, or was he actually lying when he said he wanted to date me? I’m so damn confused. Fucking depression, making life a living hell once again. >_<

I haven’t really been thinking very clearly lately. The depression is partially to blame, but I’m thinking the worst of this is coming from the fact that I have bronchitis or something. I went to the doctor’s on Tuesday, and I got an antibiotic and some (worthless) cough syrup. I’m a teeny bit better, but it still hurts like hell every time I cough. It’s those coughs that you expect to see blood afterwards, those kinds. It’s horrible. I’m having a wicked time sleeping, because they keep waking me up. If it weren’t for ibuprofen and NyQuil, I’d be a goner. There’s no way I could survive without those pretty little NyQuil tabs. So nice, and make the hurty go away.

Don’t get my car back until the first, cuz I can’t afford the bill until then. So much for birthday presents. I’m going to be dropping $150 on my car, another $100 for my tags and license. Definitely can’t afford to get presents instead of money, with still needing to save up for the apartment and move in August. Fuck. It’s times like these that I need that boyfriend factor, someone to hold my hand, and cuddle with me in bed. Somebody to kiss me and make me feel better. But I’m never going to get a boyfriend, am I? I keep scaring guys off. Fuck…

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Updates, And More On My Boy Troubles

Okay, let’s start with the additional information I have regarding what I wrote about in my post The Trouble With Boys. I think I may have figured something out. I had an epiphany last night about why Rob would do something like telling me I’m his second choice, in a way. When he said all that stuff, he thought (as did I sort of) that I was still head over heels for Al. He didn’t know yet that I had started to get over Al during the last week or so, and I hadn’t realized that. So, as far as Rob knew, he was my second choice, as well. He was protecting himself, just like I have the habit to. The same thing that stopped me from crying “Yes, of course I’ll go out with you!” made him say that stuff about seeing if things worked out with his ex first. I think? It’s just a theory. Ugh! I don’t know! I just really kinda want this to work. I’m lonely, and I’ve liked him for years, even when I didn’t know it. He’s a great guy. I don’t know…

Okay, in much less confusing news, I went to my appointment with the BVR (Bureau Of Vocational Rehabilitation) today. We talked about what kind of jobs I’d like to have, what kind of skills I possess, etc. Well, I think we both pretty much decided on office work. I’m halfway decent with computers, I’d get to have some social contact without it being overwhelming, no angry customers (or at least VERY few). It sounds pretty good, like something I could do for years instead of months. Well, they’re going to call me next week and set up some job shadowing opportunities for me, in office settings. They’re going to try and see if they can get one with a vet’s office (cuz I mentioned I’d like to work at one), they’re going to try for one at a temp agency (because I mentioned Dead Like Me, and how I wouldn’t mind doing George’s job), and a few other places, maybe a factory’s office, or a dentist’s office, stuff like that. So, for the next little while, I’m going to work on my typing skills. I’m going to use this old Mavis Beacon typing teacher CD-Rom I bought when I got my first computer back in 2000 to try and learn how to touch type. I’m only about 38wpm with my two finger typing system. How hard is it to learn to touch type, anyway? I might be in trouble here…

Found out that Amazon sells gift cards for Steak & Shake, so I know what I’ll be buying with my gift cards from Wish from now on. ^_^ We go there every Friday after gaming, so it’s definitely something I could use. Yays!

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The Trouble With Boys

I should be sleeping, I have an important appointment with the people who are going to get me job training and placement at 11am, but instead I’m going to spill my guts out here. That way, I won’t have to tell this story a million times (hopefully).

So yeah, remember my obsession with Cutie Boy? That’s the best place to start. Well, when I finally saw him again on Friday, it had been three weeks since the last time I’d seen him (stupid spring break). I was still obsessing on Friday, and on Saturday for that matter, but that’s getting ahead of the story. Or maybe it’s not. It’s almost three in the morning, I’m not 100% here at the moment. I just really wanted to write this down before I go to bed. Anyway, I was still obsessed, or at least I thought I was. I didn’t have any others crushes that I knew of, so even a low level of crush was still big time. But then Saturday night happened. Fuck!

I stayed over at Zach’s for the weekend for UDCon (which ended up being nowhere near as fun as it used to be). I was hanging out with Rob, Kerrec, and Felix in the garage late Saturday night. They were smoking cigars and pipes (odd for 18 year olds, right?), and I was talking with them. I showed them a picture of Cutie Boy (who’s name is Al, for those curious), and it ended up Rob knew him, and told me he was a nut. That wasn’t the bad bit, though. At one point, either before that or after, I can’t remember, I was bitching about how I couldn’t get any guys to date me, and then the bomb dropped. Rob said he would. This is the same Rob that, two years ago when I met him, I had a huge crush on (couldn’t do anything about it then cuz he was 16, and yes, I know I’m a total perv). The guy that I embarrassed myself in front of the entire group for, by telling him, when he was bitching about not being able to find a girlfriend, “Talk to me when you’re legal” (thankfully my friend Jeff diffused the embarrassment by asking “Street legal?”). The same Rob that, every so often, I hafta remind myself that he’s just a friend when I look over and think he’s really cute, or I melt a little at his voice, or felt jealousy when he talked about his now-ex. The same Rob who said he’d date me if he couldn’t get back with his ex-girlfriend.

Yes, you read that right: I’ve been wait-listed romantically.

Well, I went along with that, cuz I thought I was still head over for Al. That night after he left and I went to bed, I couldn’t sleep because my brain wouldn’t shut up. After a LOT of thinking that night, I finally realized that I would much rather be with Rob than with Al. I realized that I had kind of gotten over Al a bit those three weeks I didn’t see or talk to him. Too bad I can’t be with Rob. If things go through with his ex, I’m pretty much shit outta luck. And if things fizzle out, I get to know that I was his second choice, his back-up plan. FUCK!

I want to be asexual. Then I won’t have these problems. >_<

Edit: To clarify, I was only ever aware of the crush I had on him during those times when I thought he was cute, etc… So yeah, that’s why I never did anything about it when he hit legal tender. I didn’t realize it myself. Kind of a denial or something? I dunno.

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Back To Steam I Go

I caved. I so caved. I absolutely caved. And I don’t ruddy care. I’m downloading The Sims 3 again, on Steam, because I have to play! But seriously, I’ve been wanting to play for awhile, and I was hoping whatever had messed up with Steam with my logging in was over now. I guess it is, cuz I logged in just fine, no problems at all. Thank the gods. I also have Portal and Portal 2 to download (all three gifts from my friend Scott). I doubt I’ll do very well on them, since my brain is atrophy-flavored pudding right now, but hey, they’re paid for, might as well try. The worst that can happen is that I get teased for sucking at it (I have a few friends who won’t let me live my Fallout 3 failures down… I didn’t make it out of the Vault). I have two expansion packs in The Sims 3, too, which makes me happy happy happy (too much Duck Dynasty). Pets, and Late Night. I get cute kitties, and get to be a vampire. Can (sim)life get any better? I think not.

Got my first Birchbox in the mail earlier. I’ve been looking forward to it since I got on the wait list to be approved a few months back. I was so excited! And it only disappointed me a little (which I’ll get to why in a second). I got a thing of hair spray, which I’m going to test tomorrow, a thing of moisture tint stuff for my face (I’m guessing it’s like concealer?), a very spiff shade of green nail lacquer (it’s a custom blend for Birchbox called Tweet Me), and a bad-for-my-diet-but-so-ungodly-beautiful-anyway Ghirardelli chocolate caramel square. NOM! The only thing I was disappointed about was that they forgot one of my samples. *sad face* I was supposed to get a perfume sample (Juicy Couture: Couture La La), but they must’ve left it out or something. I sent them an email about the missing sample, and I got one back about an hour ago saying they’d got it, and I’d get my response in about three days. I really hope I don’t get screwed over on this. I want to start trying out beauty products so I know what I like and what I don’t (I can’t ask my female friends cuz they live so far away). Hope’s hoping. *crosses fingers*

In romance news, I’m pretty sure the guy I like is flirting back. On Friday, he kept touching me when we were talking, and playing with my ring and my bracelet, both of which I was wearing at the time. *squee!* I dunno if he’s going to ask me out any time ever, because he seems a bit shy. Also, there’s the age thing. Never good. But I’m going to keep my hopes up, and keep flirting. My goal in life (or at least my goal for the next few weeks) is to get me a hug from him. ^_^ I like hugs from almost everybody, but I really like hugs from people that I’m crushing on. *squee! again* I’m like a teenager again, I swear. This crush is so innocent. I love it. Everything lately romance-wise has felt overly perverted. All the sex jokes and whatnot. But this, this feels young and innocent and free. It doesn’t matter if my tits look great in this top, of it you can see my sexy panties over the waist of my jeans. It’s just playful flirting and… I almost want to say that it feels comfortable. I haven’t felt romantically comfortable in quite some time. It’s rather nice.

Speaking of Friday, Bell, Book, And Comic (one of Dayton’s gaming stores) was there last week. I didn’t have much to spend, but I didn’t care when I saw the dice earrings. I found a pair made of d4s in such a pretty light blue marbling. I loved them immediately. Had to have them. And right now, they’re sitting next to my keyboard. Much happiness.

I’ve been reading lately, and that makes me so damn happy. As I said on Facebook the other day, I go through these phases where I don’t read. It sucks, but there’s not much of anything I can do to fix it. But the good part is, when I finally do start reading again, it’s like a miracle. I’m in one of those miracle times right now. I liked how I said that, and thought you guys might like it too. I’ve finished two books that I’ve been in the middle of for at least three months. I’m getting closer to finishing a few others, too. I even started reading a new one. It’s a memoir of this women who had/has bipolar, when she was growing up. It’s really interesting. I see a lot of myself in this book.

Unless something sucky happens, it’s looking like I should be moving to Dayton in August. I oughta hear from that training place any day now (my therapist sent in the paperwork by mail on Wednesday of last week). They’ll train me up, and help me find a Dayton-area job, and I’ll be all set. Dunno where exactly I’ll be living, because Jeff doesn’t know whether he wants to stay in the same complex or not. I think that’s what he told me. You know how bad I am at remembering stuff. But yeah, I’ll be in Dayton! That’s gonna be the greatest thing ever. The only way I can learn maturity is by being in situations that make me act mature. It’s one of those learn-by-doing kind of things. I’m pretty sure I’ll do good. If I don’t, my mom told me that I can always move back. I’m going to avoid that death sentence if at all possible, though. Freedom!

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I Hate Waiting For Tow Trucks

Fuck! All! My car’s alternator went out Friday night. The fun part? I call AAA, they send me a tow truck. He’s supposed to tow me home, but he asks if he should try jumping me first. I say sure, because I wasn’t sure at that point if it was my alternator or my battery (the headlights and interior lights were getting dimmer by the minute, and it couldn’t support my CD player working). He jumps it, barely leaves the jumper cords on (you’re supposed to keep them there for a few minutes, right?), then says he has faith that I can get home. A 70 mile drive, mostly through the middle of nowhere, but he has faith. So of course, I think he actually knows what he’s talking about, and go on my merry way. I get about 15-20 miles, and the headlights and interior lights start dimming like crazy again. Cue second tow truck. Mind you, in between each call to AAA and the truck actually showing, I waited about two hours between the two. Does anybody remember how cold it was Friday night? I do, cuz I was stuck with a heater during those waits. Fuck! So now, I hafta drop a few hundred bucks getting my alternator replaced, and possibly miss Guild a few times depending on how expensive it is. Thankfully, Slone can start going to Guild with me, and it’ll be the same arrangement as before: the passenger pays part of the gas monies. Pretty sweet. It means I get to see my friends still, get to hang out with my Sloney, which I haven’t got to do much in the last year or so, and still get to see Cutie Boy at Guild. Considering my car is dead, I say that’s at least a few good bits to start making up for it.

In other news, diet seems to be going well. I dunno if I’ve lost anything yet, since I can’t weigh myself right now due to my stomach being full of eggs and sausage and coffee, but I’ve been keeping to it mostly. Except for Friday night. I drowned my sorrows in chocolate milk and a sweet roll from the Speedway in New Carlisle while I was waiting for tow truck number two. *sighs* But yeah, at least I just ruined the one day. Still gonna stay on the diet. Yays losing weight!

Got a subscription last month to two magazines on my Nook: National Geographic and eFiction. I already knew I adored NG, but this eFiction magazine rocks. It’s all these short stories shoved together. I finished last month’s issue the other day, and I am seriously in love now. I’m contemplating submitting some of my stuff, see if they publish it. Admit One is a pretty good short story, very stand alone (and actually finished). Or I could submit some poetry. They put poetry at the end of each issue. I have no idea which ones I’d submit, though. Underneath The Surface, of course, because that’s my best one. Dunno which others. I think I’ll wait a few months, though, keep reading and see what kinds of stuff they publish, you know?

I’ve decided to try and get back into my religion. I don’t exactly belong to a specific one, but I bought a couple books on Wicca at Half-Price Books on Friday, because that’s the closest thing to my beliefs. I just don’t really do rituals. Might try some day. It’d be nice to be practicing again. Maybe I should work on my Reiki again, too. Might be able to help people. Hell, I think I’ll even try casting spells again. Just because my last one failed miserably doesn’t mean they all would. Besides, that was more than seven years ago. I’ve grown since then.

Oh, and in way of great news, it’s looking like I might be moving to Dayton in August. I can’t remember if I’ve already talked about this, so I’ll just start from the beginning. My friend Jeff wants a roommate to help split the costs. I want the fuck out of here. I can go to this place called the Bureau Of Vocational Rehabilitation to learn how to do a job (that wouldn’t mess up my mental health as much), and they can also help me find a job in Dayton. So tomorrow, I’m going to ask my therapist to hook me up. I’ll have a real job, that shouldn’t make me nearly as suicidal, plus a great place to live. It’ll be wonderful! I just hope things don’t screw up like they always do. >_<

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I’m In A Very Bloggy Mood Today

So, I got good news, sort of. The sort of is only because I’m terrified that it won’t go through and my life will suck forever more. But yeah, other than that, yays! I might be moving to Dayton in August. I just found out earlier than I can earn almost $1,500 a month before SSI stops giving me my monies, which means I could try out the jobs in Dayton for a bit, and see if I can survive something as long as it’s not retail or food service (I kinda go slicey slicey in either of those types of jobs). I need something fairly low on stress, and I might be able to get that, too. My therapist says that I could be trained to do certain jobs through the Ohio Bureau Of Vocational Rehabilitation. I could be taught how to do data entry or something. Plus, they can help me find a job in Dayton. How fucking awesome is that? As for living arrangements, I have a friend who’s lease is up in August who wants to be my roommate, maybe, in a two bedroom somewhere near Wright State. Which would rock. He’s extra cool, and I’d love to be his roommate, and I’m not even saying that just because he reads this blog. It’s one hundred percent true.

Everything else is boring in comparison. I went through my closet and took out all the stuff that’s too small (about a dozen and a half shirts). Gods, I can’t wait until I lose enough weight to fit my damn clothes again. That’ll be so great. My mom and I are back on the diet today, so we should be seeing results real soon. I lost a few pounds in the last week or so (since the last time I weighed myself, which was a few days ago, I think?). That really helps the diet energy. We tried bok choy today, with dinner. Very nommy. Definitely going to eat it again. And the best part of this diet? Okay, second best to losing weight, but still? It’s the fact that we have eight pounds of bacon in that fridge that we get to eat as much as we want of. YAYS!

It needs to be Friday. Seriously. I’m bored whenever I’m not in Dayton, it seems. I lovelovelove the game I’m in, now that I actually understand how to do combat best with my character. The eye candy doesn’t hurt, either. But yeah, whenever I’m not in Dayton, I miss my friends there. Seeing my lake crew helps, but Dayton is home, no matter where I live. Oh, and speaking of my lake crew, I’mma be a bridesmaid next August! WOOHOO! It’s going to be a high fantasy wedding, so I figure I’ll just get some nice ren garb. That way, I can reuse it each fall at the renaissance festival. Pretty spiffing, no? Also, for Halloween parties. I can toss on a pair of elf ears and be the perfect bridesmaid. I’ve only ever been in one wedding, and I didn’t really do much. When my mom married my step-dad, me and my brother were in the ceremony. I dunno if that counts as a bridesmaid or not, though. Hopefully, I can lose a lot of weight in the next year and a half. That’d be nice to actually look good in the wedding pictures. ^_^

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VampAmber Poetry Anthology, Part 2

An Ode To Loki, He Of Chaos

O, Hail! to the great Chaos
Bringer of both Light and Shadow
Master over all is needed
Wise of the matter of choice
From the time between times
Power of His own making
Lord unto His own
Until the end

Anti-Social College Girl

Give me a pair of sunglasses to block out the world
I can’t take humanity any longer
People annoy me
Everybody just needs to grow up already
It’s called college! Get used to it!
We’re not in high school any more, Toto
Superficial, stuck up on their high horses
Ignoring the different
Jeeze, get a new damn hobby

Bibliophilosophy

The words on the page
They jump up and make a story
Act it out in front of you
Use your imagination
Turn off the television
Read a book

Black Souls

Hatred hurts
A pain that kills
Rips through
Shreds up
Blood stains
Hate kills
But love can heal

Burgundy

He drinks his burgundy
He does it so well, so sophisticated
I watch from across the room
Why can’t I just talk to him already?
Sure I talk, friends talk
But still, never I ask
So instead, I just sit there
Watching him drink his burgundy

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Money Is Good

I have a bit of a conundrum on my hands. I’m fairly certain that my blog is almost 3 months old, which is the minimum age to do paid posting on most sites. Well, I’m not sure if I get enough traffic to qualify. I’m also not sure if I post nearly enough to be able to make me some monies on this. As much as I’d like to get said monies to spend on stuff that I most likely don’t need, I also don’t want to stress myself out just for a few bucks. >_< Ugh. I hate when I have to figure out crap like this. I guess what I need to do is think it through really carefully? Oh, who am I kidding. Money! Yays money! Besides, I really enjoy writing the posts. Or maybe I shouldn’t start paid posting? Oh, I don’t know. I got this site because I wanted to do said paid posting, but now I’m not sure if I could keep up with it all. Gyarg!

In other, non-panicky news, I finally have my new desk in my room. It’s really rather nice. Next up is my dresser, but that won’t be for a few days because we have to get some plywood for the back. They put that shitty cardboard stuff on the back, and it’s very much in the way of worthless. Ugh! But at least I’ll finally be able to put my pajamas away. They’ve been on my floor at the foot of my bed since I moved back here in ’09. Yeah, I’m that special.

And now I leave you with a random funny picture I swiped offa one of the thingies I follow on Facebook. Enjoy. (I’m thinking of including more pictures on here)

And that's why I use Firefox.

And that’s why I use Firefox.

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All The Joys Of Crazy

I am a lazy, lazy blogger. I’ve been not-posting for way too long. Now I shall make you all suffer by reading my thoughts! Bwahaha!… Yeah, my brain thought that’d be funny. Sorry that it wasn’t.

Life has mostly been boring, actually. I’ve been semi-unmedicated for a few weeks now. Apparently that one anti-depressant I was on made a lot of difference. Too bad it’s almost $100 a month. >_< I’ve started flashing at Guild again. Last week, I showed everybody in my group my bra. I really do need to learn to not do that. Especially with this group. Blarg.

Speaking of my gaming group, I have a huge crush on one of the guys in it. He’s so cute, and I’m so pathetic. I’m pretty sure Scott is pissed at me, too, because I keep flirting with the cutie. Oh, and oh my gods, Scott gave me a Christmas present a few weeks back, even though all I did was send him a card in the mail. He bought me $125 in gift cards. I really do need to figure out how to stop this. He knows that I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever, yet he keeps pulling stuff like this. Figures that the guys who are madly in love with me are the ones I don’t want to date. -_-;

Spent last weekend at Zach’s. Gods, I didn’t realize how much I missed those guys. It was tons of fun. We went clubbing on Saturday at The Masque. I got a wee bit drunk (meaning completely drunk). I threw up in the parking lot at Waffle House, to give you an idea. Other than that bit, though, it was really fun. I got a compliment on my dress from a gay guy in line at the door. The drag queens lip-synced to some really kickass songs. No girls hit on me, but that’s to be expected I guess. I’m not exactly the attractive type that gets hit on by strangers, ever… Oh yeah, unmedicated Amber has low self esteem again.

Gonna try going back on the diet. I’m sick of being 150+ pounds overweight. I want to be able to wear cute clothes, not ugly mumus. Damn you, carbs and sugar, for being so fucking tasty.

My brain’s been all over the place lately, in case you haven’t guessed yet. Wheeeeeeeeeee! >_<