I refuse to ever let people try and mold me into their image. I’m sick of it. Whenever I let people do crap like that, I end up feeling whorish, or worthless, or just all around not me. I don’t even know who the hell I am any more. Who the real me is. I’ve been letting people control me for that long. At least ten years or so, probably longer. When I was pre-college, online with my friends, I acted the way I did to make them like me better. Out of there, and in your face, and crazy, and hopped up on crack or something. It made people want to be my friend in the chat rooms I frequented, though, so I went with it. So I’ve been someone else my whole life, or at least since moving back to Springfield when I was in 3rd grade… No wonder I have no idea who the real me is…….
I know most of my friends don’t realize how much stress they’ve put on me to be the person they want me to be, how much it hurts me every time I let them win the who-gets-to-control-Amber’s-actions game. I know most of my friends aren’t ass holes. But still, even after I post this, most of my friends still won’t know. And because I’m a chickenshit people-pleaser, I probably won’t have the guts to tell them. So I guess I just have to suffer until I can grow myself a backbone.
I ran out of lithium a few weeks ago, and went almost two weeks without them. BIG MISTAKE. I got extremely depressed, and I can’t say that I’m better yet (I’ve only been taking them again for a few days). I even disappeared off the computer for a week, cuz I just felt too depressed to get on, and did not feel like dealing with people. I hid from the world, and it made me realize that I miss reading. I miss working on my crafts. I miss doing not-internet-related me time stuffs. I even kinda miss TV sometimes. Not very often, but I do from time to time. But mostly, I miss reading. I finished one book, and read chapters upon of my other books. I even started a comedy Christmas novel by Christopher Moore. Reading makes me happy, and sometimes, I get too caught up in making other people happy to focus on me (as I said before, I’m a total people-pleaser).
So from now on, I’m going to try and focus on learning who the real me is, and on things that make me happy. Meaning I’m cutting the internetting time way back, not even turning on my computer in the first place some days, and I’m going to read a lot more. If I feel the urge, I’m even going to try my hand at writing again. I’m going to start posting my poetry in this blog, in an anthology form of sorts. Also, until I figure out otherwise, I am NOT going to be using all my time pimping out this blog, trying to make it look appealing to the people who pay other people to blog. So be happy, everybody. No more pathetic pleas to everybody, trying to guilt trip them into reading my blog, or commenting, or liking the Facebook fan page, or spreading the word in any other way. I’m done. Dunno if I’m ever going to try getting back into the paid blogging business. Just gonna write in this blog for my pleasure, and not give a shit if anybody reads or whatnot. >_<